I recently returned from living in Korea. Shortly after returning home, I purchased a hammock. This was in March. Now, I have lived in Portland, Oregon long enough to know that you don't need a hammock in March, if ever. Needless to say, people thought I was a little nuts. Assuring them of my intention to keep the hammock inside the house did nothing to relieve their concerns about my sanity, however.

Living abroad had opened my mind to new ways of sleeping, see, and why should I be confined to a bed? After all, Koreans traditionally use sleeping mats on the floor, and some Brazilians still use hammocks for beds. And it's not like I didn't try to get a bed, but have you been to the mattress store?! It's freaky! All these ghostly white beds everywhere and no customers, and the place is completely silent -- except for the creepy salesman following me around asking semi-invasive questions. I can't work like this! I ran out of the store.

I have had an irrational obsession with the men nation of Brazil for some time now. I have never been to Brazil, or South America for that matter, but I am desperately determined to marry my way into the country. Or at least visit. As I am still recovering from my last overseas adventure and don't see another one happening in the near future, I impatiently opted to bring Brazil to me instead, in the form of a bright red, hand-woven tumble of cotton. With fringe.

In my extensive research, I learned more than I ever wanted to about hammocks. I came across one website that introduced me to the "Artisans," offering a picture of a half-naked, presumably Brazilian, man standing by a loom. An unforeseen benefit of my international business transaction: I could possibly be supporting my future husband! I was pleased to discover that hammocks are supposedly better for your health than beds, although I did not see how this could possibly be true. Also, I measured my room and realized that for the hammock to fit at all, it would have to cut the room in half diagonally and stick out the door a few inches.

Most would turn back at this point. But most are not as hopelessly devoted to Brazil as I am. Besides, I had been sleeping in a bed practically my whole life, and where had it gotten me?! Working in a factory. I bought the hammock.

This is the part where I testify how sleeping in a hammock has changed my life, given me more energy and better skin and an infinite stream of Brazilian suitors. But in reality, this hammocks-are-beds-too business was the falsest advertising of the year!! I slept diagonally, "the Brazilian way," just like the experts instructed, but could not make it through the night without waking up with a sore back and at least one of my limbs asleep. Every time I thought I had figured out how to sleep in the thing, I would wake up more uncomfortable than ever! There was nothing left to do but shove the awful thing into the back of the garage and pretend that $200 never happened.

What now? I can't go back to that mattress freakhouse. Maybe I should get a mat and sleep on the floor...


  1. Thank you thank you thank you for posting the hammock story! All of my questions have finally been answered.
    p.s. A joke, by Allie: "Besides, I had been sleeping in a bed practically my whole life, and where had it gotten me?! Working in a factory. I bought the hammock."
    Where does getting rid of the hammock get you? A job at Dick's. And insomnia?

  2. ALLIE!! That's not a joke, it's a riddle. And you're a JERK! ahhaha

  3. P.S. I STILL love this entry. It seriously made my day! I don't care how angsty your old blog is that you don't write in anymore. Apparently I thrive on angst. It's like a nice bowl of organic wheat cereal in the morning...it keeps my colon happy?