I failed my gyno exam

...not in the sense that I was diagnosed with an STD. More like the opposite. Read on for too much information...

I am a thirty-one-year-old virgin (by choice, obviously.) Because I haven't had a physical in years, and I haven't had sex in, um, ever, this was my first Pap smear. (I figured this is the only action I'm going to get for awhile so I might as well take advantage. Just kidding.) It's always funny how the doctors don't readily believe me. No, I'm not; no, I never have been; no, not even oral.

First she wanted my tongue and then she felt me up, I guess wanting to run the bases in proper order. She told me it wouldn't hurt, so I wasn't expecting it to be so painful. She had to try the smaller size speculum. (I wear a size two so I don't understand why she didn't choose the smaller one in the first place... who are they for, middle schoolers?!)

Afterward she just left me lying there naked, but came back to discuss the future of our relationship. She advised me to start using something called a dilator in order to prevent pain next time. She informed me that such a dilator can only be purchased at an adult shop. I can just see myself now... Doctor's orders, I swear!

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