Ask Me About My Colon

I'm doing some Christmas shopping and can't find what I'm looking for, so I select a Squatty Potty instead and unashamedly carry it around the store. What do I care? It's not like someone's going to stop me and be all, "What's that?"

So then of course some guy stops me and asks, "What's that?" I matter-of-factly tell him it's a Squatty Potty. It's supposed to be good for digestion. "Does it work?" Are we really having this conversation, stranger? I pretend like I'm not familiar with the product and tell him my friend says it's life-changing, which she does. We get into a ridiculously in-depth conversation about how it straightens out the colon to achieve the desired results. I get the sense he wants to continue the conversation, but I am heading to the register. Please let this not be a new pick-up strategy.

The Bed Bath & Beyond self-serve gift wrap station is all out of big bags, so I ingeniously put two square boxes together to make the most giant box. It takes forever to assemble this and then cover it in yards of paper, but in the end it is a most glorious presentation! The staff probably think I'm making a big show of gift-wrapping to hide that I really bought it for myself.

Then I remember that I walked a mile to the store, so I walk home carrying a massive package on my head and on my side and on my other side, and when I get home my arms are so sore I almost can't pick up a glass of water (that I quickly down after all the exercise I just did).

See how my mutant box dwarfs the other gifts, and verily the tree itself!

Merry Christmas.