In seven more days I will likely be married, deathly ill, and a unicorn.

Last Wednesday: Started a new job that I was unexpectedly offered just two days earlier and that I had all but written off after interviewing two months ago.

Friday: Was suddenly informed by my landlord that he is selling the condo where I have been living for only eight months after moving five times in as many years and determining not to move again for at least a year.

Sunday: My roommate moved out. At least that was expected.

I'm glad for the job, and I'm glad my roommate will be reunited with her husband, but this week is just a compact slice of the last five years of constant change. And the condo... I almost cried.

I didn't realize how much I liked this crappy place until now that I have to leave. As much as I make fun of the hot tub under the skylight surrounded by "fancy" white pillars and decidedly non-fancy exercise machines, it really is so peaceful. And with all the old people here, the pool rarely gets taken over by screaming children and I often have it all to myself. And who's going to water my plants while flirting with my upstairs neighbor playing catch with his adorable four-year-old son if I'm not here?!

But I think the worst part is just moving again. I remember when I used to have actual hobbies, like sewing and baking... for the last five years my downtime has largely been spent researching jobs/apartments/roommates/churches, filling out forms, packing, unpacking, etc. I will be happy to never spend another weekend moving my belongings from one place to another place. It's enough to tempt me to get rid of everything and live under a bridge.

Seriously... is there some reason I'm not allowed to have stability in my life, no matter how I try?!

Amputee dragons are still dragons.

Umm why has a river parade never occurred to me before? And why is this not happening at every major river?! I am totally starting this in my town and riding this dragon:

Amputee dragons are still dragons.

The only problem I foresee is with the marching band. They're going to have to wear Aqua Joggers, and still the music is probably going to sound like crap because there will be water in the tuba and the drummers won't be able to move their arms at the correct tempo and let's not even talk about the marching in step part.

Other than that, this river parade is gonna rule. I'll be waving at you from my giant snake amputee dragon.

The New Gerbil: An Academic Paper, Obviously

I decided to write an abstract for my blog, since it's never been properly introduced. Remember, an abstract is like a little story...

Once upon a time, college degrees were useful all by themselves. That time passed, but the memo was not. This causes our heroine, Abra Hagans*, to be upset and start a blog with a readership of ≤2. This blog begins with a review of unfavorable life circumstances directly or indirectly caused by the uselessness of a college degree. Suddenly, without warning, the blog disappears for years!! Later, back-dated entries mysteriously compensate for years of missing data. Then, unfathomably, the blog disappears for a second time while rumors circulate about Abra's enrollment in graduate school!! In an unexpected turn of events, the second section of the blog exposes not the seedy underbelly of an actual career, but questionable merchandise sold by a chain retailer. Further research is needed in the areas of homelessness, C-PTSD, and miracles. Sallie Mae is living happily ever after.

*Names have been changed to protect the author's paranoia

Speaking of low expectations...

...at my other job, the temp one, my boss doesn't seem to have any expectations at all. Today she gave me step-by-step instructions to delete something, starting with "click here."

She also informed me that an abstract is "like a little story." Huh. I have a bone to pick with my advisor, then... 

You never told me there was supposed to be a narrative arc and character development! My whole degree is a sham! Maybe if I had included more sneaky plot twists in my abstract, I wouldn't be working this ridiculous temp job!!

Summer Job Annual Review

Today was my annual review at my summer job, which means I guess I should start calling it my job. My boss will be living in another country in a few weeks, so she was all "You have exceeded my expectations in every available column, sign here." I'm a little curious about what her expectations were to begin with. Then I was informed that I will get a raise.

Then I realized that this is my first raise EVER, not counting minimum wage increases. Then I realized that this raise still puts my wage several dollars under what I make at my other jobs.

Then a couple of middle school punks gifted me with some Pocky, which was nice of them because they probably make more money than I do, or at least more than I receive in food stamps. And buying Pocky with food stamps is something I'm saving for right before I off myself that reminds me of college, and thinking of college makes me wish I would have told those nice kids "JUST END IT ALL NOW" "DO NOT MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY."

I keep a raw egg in my purse for just this reason.

Oh sweet, finally someone thought to offer a "tester" frying pan:

Try Me!

Still looking for the tester stove...

I don't think this box has even read the Bible.

Love is a Journey - Jeremiah 29:11

Um, what? Pretty sure that's not what that verse says.

Count Your Blessings - 1 Corinthians 13:13

Nope. Not even close. But this is a great business idea for me...

Bacon is Delicious - Acts 10:13

Shut Up - Job 13:5