Smile, it's Christmas

December 24

9:26 PM I receive a text message from my aunt, inviting me to Christmas dinner in all of 16 hours.

December 25

2:47 PM My aunt asks me irritatingly specific questions about my friend's party later that I have no desire to attend and am only using as an excuse for why I can't stay long. I don't think she buys it.

2:56 PM Out of nowhere, my aunt gives me unsolicited advice about selecting an auto mechanic.

3:02 PM Out of nowhere, my uncle gives me unsolicited medical advice. Specifically, he advises me to try a certain horse paste. You know the one.

3:07 PM Out of nowhere, my aunt asks if I have a church I'm going to right now -- "no judgment." This same aunt when I was a freshman in college in a town where the buses hardly run on Sundays and I didn't have a car: WHy nOt?! HAvE yOU Not FoUnD OnE WhERe YoU agREe wITh tHe TEacHiNg?!?!?!

4:14 PM My single self is inexplicably asked if I would want my divorcée mom's diamond ring. Instead of attempting to answer, my body continues eating mashed potatoes.

4:36 PM My mom tells a story involving a couple she knows and specifies their races for no reason whatsoever.

5:04 PM I am given not one, but two unexpected gifts from the aunt who, last time she gave me something, made sure to tell me it was her favorite and that she didn't want to give it away, but insisted on giving it to me because she felt "convicted" -- despite that I didn't want it. I can't wait to burn this candle and fill my home with the smell of guilt for 75 hours.

5:28 PM I head home, where I will peacefully stay, because in addition to telling my family I couldn't stay because I had plans with a friend, I brilliantly also told the friend I couldn't go because I was with family. Christmas rules.