Limited Edition

Our new air freshener in the bathroom at work smells so good, I would seriously wear it as perfume. I looked at the can to see what it was, and it was a scent called "Fresh Sky," and then I saw that it was also labeled "Limited Edition."  Come again? First of all, why is it that every time I find a good product, it gets discontinued? Secondly... Limited Edition air freshener?! Hey marketing team, you guys realize this is a cleaning product, right?

I'm tempted to buy a can for myself, but whether to save it as a collector's item or spray it all over myself, I can't decide...

Antidepressants

"Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?" the doctor always asks. The plan is to get cancer. Sometimes I stand in front of the microwave, or sleep with my cell phone next to my head. One time I heard a story about a girl who botched a suicide attempt lying down on train tracks. Instead of losing her head, she lost her legs and survived and then she really wanted to die. So you'll understand if I'm a little gun-shy about the whole suicide thing.

The doctor said I could see an eating disorder specialist or try a new medication that will make me gain weight. The medication seemed more efficient. It's also supposed to keep me from having suicidal thoughts, but the one of the side effects, besides weight gain, is suicidal thoughts. I see what you did there, pharmaceutical industry. I'm not supposed to drink alcohol with this medication, either, because it may cause drowsiness, but the main reason I'm taking it is to help me sleep, so... I think what they meant is for maximum effectiveness, take with alcohol.

The pills are so tiny, I can hardly tell if I've swallowed them or if they're still in my mouth. They only gave me a two-week supply, but they still put it in a huge bottle. When the baby enters my room, he always goes straight for the drugs and shakes the bottle like a rattle. Now there are two bottles, one for each hand. The baby grins as he practices his percussion. The drugs work better on him.