Dear The Gym,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter. Since I run into you several times a week and you barely say hi, I thought maybe you didn't care, but now I am assured that you do care. You care a lot.

First of all, you're welcome for being a member of your fitness community. I just have a question. Your letter asserts that it is with "greatest appreciation" that you are offering me a renewal special: $24.95 a month and No Processing Fee. However, this is the exact same special being offered to new members who have not accumulated any gratitude at all. Therefore, I believe there must be some mistake. This is clearly your absolute least appreciation. Please resend the correct letter at your earliest convenience and we'll pretend this never happened.

Sincerely,

Valued Member

I have the answer and it's being muddled into deliciousness.

Together at last

I don't understand why not one person has responded to my latest craigslist ad! 
I have had much greater success bartering in the past. Let's go back...

5:02 p.m.
Q: What were you doing in a transaction involving a particular kind of plant with a shady guy in a parking lot?
A: ...Yes well, um...

3:31 p.m.
Q: Hey, don't you want your plant?
A: Oh yes! How could I forget my mint at the office...

1:43 p.m.
Q: Did you get your mint?
A: No, he said half an hour almost an hour ago. [shrugs]

12:48 p.m.
Q: Do you think he's going to show up?
A: Of course not. It's craigslist.

11:24 a.m.
Q: Do you have any spare change?
A: No, all I have is this sage plant. But it's got places to go, sorry.

10:55 a.m.
Q: What's that you're bringing on the bus?
A: A potted plant. Duh.

Yesterday
Q: Did you get any responses to your silly ad?
A:

Exactly four more than I expected.

ask and you shall receive

Standards

The problem with being single for a decade (and counting) longer than planned is that your standards are forced to go down right when they should really be going up. You're finally smart enough to know exactly how you deserve to be treated and filter out all the unworthy types of guys you would have dated when you were younger... except now the filtering has been done for you and then some.

If I wanted to marry riffraff, I could have done that right away. I didn't wait this long just for someone's leftovers and their three bratty kids.

New strategy: The most expensive face cream I can afford and a newfound interest in hanging out on college campuses. Legal is legal.