Have a Great Day

Do you want to have a great day? Eat a bite of pomegranate seeds. Just pomegranate seeds. Don't put them on a salad. Don't eat them one by one when they drop on the floor because five second rule. You need a whole, luxurious mouthful. I know it seems extravagant because that pomegranate cost you $2.50, but do you want to have a great day or not? I discovered this on accident and it is totally worth the two dollars and fifty cents and twenty minutes you spend getting the seeds out in the first place.

Eat them in a bowl with a spoon, like diamonds. I mean cereal. No, don't put milk on them! I mean like pomegranate seeds. Eat them like pomegranate seeds, because this is your new thing now. You can thank me later.

Remember Gushers fruit snacks? This is the adult version of that. Get ready to experience a glorious chorus of bells ringing hallelujah in your mouth. Prepare yourself for Pop-Its exploding all through you, with pure joy instead of silver fulminate. Also we're eight months into this pandemic, so it's possible I just forgot what fun is.

My weekend going like

Every once in awhile I play with the idea of trying online dating, but a brief browse through guys in my area squashes that idea every time. Match is offering me Luke, who introduces himself by assuring me, "I have a full-time job, car and my own place." Like he knows his competition and exactly how little it takes to beat them.

Practically every other guy they show me has the same first name as my ex, to the point that I start to wonder if I accidentally specified that I'm looking for men between 32-42 named Eric.

Alec couldn't be bothered to open his eyes for his profile pic.

Emanuel's profile consisted entirely of the lyrics to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song.

Now I'm thinking of joining just for the entertainment value.

Update: Apparently Match is a ghost town and the other apps are not that bad. I joined another one and am relieved to report a reasonable selection of men. Some out of my league, even. I receive a message from spirited Kamesh asking me how my weekend is going. "I just built a pillow fort with my roommates, so life is pretty great!" he tells me. I reply that I just spent fifteen minutes removing the label adhesive from a jar in order to reuse the jar. No response.

Run of the Mill

I asked my friend in North Dakota if anything interesting was on the ballot in her state, and she said no, it was a "run-of-the-mill" election. Then I found out that ND elected a deceased man to the House and I can't believe that's normal for them.

Amid all these claims of voter fraud and dead people voting in the 2020 presidential election, the northernmost Dakota has been straight up electing the dead for years and no one even cares. Bold. I'm assuming most of the late Representative's votes were from dead voters, too, because you know how prejudiced the living are. But sure, keep fussing over Pennsylvania or whatever.

Uber Dumb

I wish I could be one of those lovely people who just adores everyone, but then there is my Uber driver. This person will not stop word-saying and they shouldn't be allowed.

"Driving for Uber is such a bad deal now, I have to pay so much for gas and maintenance. If people didn't tip, I wouldn't even make any money!"

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"My birthday was the first day of the wildfire smoke, so I didn't get my free Dutch Bros because they were closed! And they wouldn't give me a free one later to make up for it!"

"Well they didn't make any money all week, so I guess that's fair."

"Well it's not fair to everyone who didn't get their free drinks!!"

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"Wow, 200 new cases a day?! That's SO MANY!"

"...Actually, Oregon has fewer new cases per capita than--"

"WOW I can't believe that, that's so many!"

"We're actually doing quite well considering the populatio--"

"THAT'S SO MANY!!!!!"

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"Are you getting the unemployment??"

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"Oh you don't have to tip me! Nobody even tips on Uber, it's like weird."

My Uber driver for the return trip didn't speak to me at all except to call me "Miss," help with my bags, and offer to adjust the temperature to my liking. 

NC: 1

OR: 0

Dear Alexis

We need to talk. I've been seeing you for about four years now, and it's been great. From our very first meeting, I knew it wouldn't be the last because I had found someone special. It's hard to find someone who doesn't force vapid small talk on me, but I can just relax around you. We even like the same books and movies, which is always a plus.

But things have felt different between us these past few months. I'm sure you have noticed I've been distant, and I don't come around as often as I used to. It just seems like you never want to do what I want to do, and vice versa, and we're not on the same page anymore. If you're open to it, I would hope we can be friends. I really do like you as a person and I will always treasure what we had.

I'm sorry it had to end this way, but I just don't want you to cut my hair anymore.

Top Ten Baby Names (That Should Be Trending) for 2020

I seem to have skipped 2018 and 2019, but don't worry folks, you can still reminisce on the Top Ten Baby Names for 2017. Plus, this year's is thrice as good.

Since we're all woke AF now, here are some gender-neutral names for your nonbinary-until-declared-otherwise offspring:

10. Don't get cancelled for naming your kid Heather or Darren. Just give in and name them Heathen, meaning "unenlightened, lacking moral principles."

9. Connor is a boy's name and Jennifer is obviously a girl, but you will wokily name your kid Conifer, which has the unoffensively ambiguous meaning of "needle-like."

8. Lucifer is traditionally masculine but it's a mix of feminine names Lucy and Jennifer; I say it's fair game. Lucifer is a versatile name that means "morning star" or "the devil," depending on how many times you have to wake them up to get ready for school.

7. Sven is too masculine, but Seven could be anyone... besides, if your baby daddy insanely wants seven kids, this is a reasonable compromise. When he turned 30, did you put 30 candles on the cake? No, you put a number 30 candle on the cake.

6. Fire is a great name for any gender because when your kid is acting up in public and you yell at them to stop, suddenly no one will be focused on your kids' behavior anymore. Fire means "to dismiss from a job." It's important to set your kid up for career success.

5. Carter is iffy but Alice is completely unacceptable. Better name your kid Callous, "insensitive and cruel."

4. If you are progressive but have a penchant for old-timey names, Coral or Broderick just won't do. Cowlick is a classic, meaning "stubbornly growing in a different direction from the rest." Perfect.

3. Don't think you can get away with Enoch or Fatima just because those names are less familiar. What your child really needs is to be called Enema: "injected into the rectum."

2. Logan and Sloane might be passable gender-neutral names, but just to be safe, go with Slogan and hope that they are as "short and striking" as their name suggests.

1. If, for some reason, you want to ensure that your kid is anatomically ambiguous while also giving political correctness the middle finger, go right past Herman and Aphrodite and straight for Hermaphrodite.

Taco Bell Every Day

The problem with going to Taco Bell every day in high school and (I'll round down to) zero days after that is that the prices have doubled. I mistakenly assumed a $5 bill would easily cover my order. Once you've paid 59 cents for a taco, anything over a dollar just seems exorbitant.

I won't even set foot in a movie theater anymore. It's been too long and now I'm afraid to go back.

The Voodoo Queen

I was walking down the street singing to myself, "Baby be the class clown, I'll be the voodoo queen..." Voodoo queen? That's not right. Voodoo thing... voodoo cream.....

I had to go all the way home and look it up to realize the voodoo was only in my head, and the queen part was right all along.