In case there was any question stubbornly lingering in anyone's mind, it's confirmed: I am not having kids. I just bought a white genuine sheepskin rug. Probably I am not even having kids in my house anymore.
In the old apartment, I had seen a YouTube video about how to make your own faux sheepskin rug, and I optimistically went to JoAnn's and bought some furry fabric, but I skipped the step of attaching non-skid material underneath and went straight to cutting the fabric in a squiggle like a dead animal with too many limbs. Also, the fake fur was kind of brownish-gray because that's what was on sale. I'm not sure what kind of animal it resembled, if any. I used it as an extra patch of rug, since my rug wasn't big enough. It was more for looks, which is sad if you think about everything I just disclosed, since it was hazardous to actually step on the slippery thing. It doesn't look any less pathetic in the new place, under my luxurious new chaise lounge.
This sheepskin rug was the most expensive impulse purchase I've ever considered making. I realize it's not an impulse purchase if you didn't actually make it, and only considered making it, plus it was already on my mental list of things to buy someday, but I did end up going back and buying it so if I had bought it when I impulsively considered buying it, then it would have been. But I digress.
I bought it at Costco. As I am leaving with my rug and my frozen box of too many pot pies, the guy whose job it is to drag his Sharpie over my receipt asks excitedly, "Do you own a fireplace?" An odd choice of words. Not only do I not own a fireplace, I do not even rent a fireplace. I do not have a fireplace or a spouse to veto my impulse purchase or any kids at all to spill grape juice on this rug, not that it's any of your business, Sharpie-dragger. But I have been caught red-handed, arrested, forced to defend myself while I watch the permanent black ink mar the thermal record of my purchase in slow motion. I consider lying: Not Guilty. "...because that would be perfect!" he finishes.
"Oh... yeah."
This is the saddest part of the story: the part where I go home and look up Sheepskin Rug on Pinterest to make sure that a fireplace isn't required. I am satisfied to find that I can't even find one picture with a fireplace. Then I remember that cheery Costco guy writes a black line on a piece of paper over and over again for seventeen dollars an hour, and wonder what made him think of a fireplace.
