I said CANCER

Maybe those mail-senders know me better than I know myself, because I just found out that I have early-onset osteoarthritis. Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Gray hair and regular colonoscopies starting at twenty-three... arthritis and orthotics at thirty-three... It's like my very body is giving up on me. Like it just skipped my child-bearing years and went straight to old age.

God I love being alive. It's the best.

We Heard You Might Be Dying

The house where I singly rent a room recently received mail addressed to the "Hagans Family" from the mortuary. I guess they heard I'm not the hugest fan of being alive and figured they would find out what to do with my body while there was still time -- and before the competing mortuaries could get my business. I don't believe I am acquainted with these people, but they start their correspondence with "Dear Friend" and promise me a Final Wishes Organizer as a token of their thanks. What a timely and thoughtful gesture! I'm busy drafting my response to this most considerate of offers...

1. How old are you?
Getting up there, apparently.

2. Are you currently: 
A. Retired YES
B. Employed YES (I like to give back)

3. If you have given thought to this subject, which of the following would you choose for yourself?
A. Burial
B. Cremation
I appreciate your tactful albeit naive assumption that I don't think about death all the time. So far I like you better than the mortuaries that didn't bother to reach out. Keep it up.

4. How important to you personally is the location (proximity) of the cemetery:
I prefer to die directly in my grave plot, thanks for asking.

5. Are you aware that prepaid funeral plans exist?
...yes?

6. Have you ever considered a prepaid funeral plan?
No, but now I feel guilty that all the effort I've been putting into my upcoming suicide should be going towards that instead.

7. How much might you expect to pay for a funeral?
A. $0-$2,000
B. $2,000-$4,000
C. $4,000-$6,00--Okay, I get the point!

8. Do you maintain up-to-date biographical information and accurate family records to assist you or a loved one with funeral planning?
What do you think, Friend?

9. Have you made firm plans and arrangements for cemetery property?
NO, I AM GROSSLY UNPREPARED FOR MY IMPENDING SUICIDE

10. Do you currently have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements in the event of your death?
OKAY I WON'T OFF MYSELF YET GEEZ

11. Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire and prefer for your own arrangements?
They will be once I receive my complimentary Final Wishes Organizer (ahem). Thanks for helping me up my suicide note game.

12. Do you currently have a will?
To live? Not really, no; hence all of these arrangements for my death.

13. In the event of your death, who would be responsible for making the arrangements?
A. SpouseNOPE
B. ChildreNOPE thanks now I want to kill myself again

BTW, If this letter reaches you at a time of illness or loss, please accept our sincerest apologies.

Hilarity. I've also been getting mail from the AARP urging me to apply for a membership, so I'm not sure how old all these strangers think I am, but I'm totally offended because their membership benefits are not even worth it.