Top Six Baby Names (That Should Be Trending) for 2021

For those expecting in 2021, let's have your kid's lifelong existence reminisce on the great year that was 2020 with these perfect names (and if you don't like these, you can always revisit last year's)...

6. The days of naming your kid cute or inspiring names like Celena or Hillary are over. These days, we need Celery. It's important to be self-sufficient and learn to grow your own food.

5. Close quarters lead us all to quarrel quite a bit, so stop arguing with your live-in Tinder date that knocked you up about how dumb the name Tina is. Just settle on naming your baby Quarantina to remember the bad old days.

4. Some people want you to name your kid Ryan or Eliot, but you gotta take a stand and name your kid Riot. It means "mostly peaceful protest."

3. I don't care if it's short for Too Pouty or what -- call your kid T. P. and even though he's kind of shitty, you can never get enough of him.

2. You might have heard somewhere on the internet that Valerie or Maxine is a good healthy name for your kid, but let's be reasonable and relent to at least one Vaxine in the household instead.

1. Cole and David are classic names, but get with the times and name your son Covid -- he's sure to be famous.

I could only come up with six this time; it's been a rough year. Probably you shouldn't be having kids at all.

Smile, it's Christmas

December 24

9:26 PM I receive a text message from my aunt, inviting me to Christmas dinner in all of 16 hours.

December 25

2:47 PM My aunt asks me irritatingly specific questions about my friend's party later that I have no desire to attend and am only using as an excuse for why I can't stay long. I don't think she buys it.

2:56 PM Out of nowhere, my aunt gives me unsolicited advice about selecting an auto mechanic.

3:02 PM Out of nowhere, my uncle gives me unsolicited medical advice. Specifically, he advises me to try a certain horse paste. You know the one.

3:07 PM Out of nowhere, my aunt asks if I have a church I'm going to right now -- "no judgment." This same aunt when I was a freshman in college in a town where the buses hardly run on Sundays and I didn't have a car: WHy nOt?! HAvE yOU Not FoUnD OnE WhERe YoU agREe wITh tHe TEacHiNg?!?!?!

4:14 PM My single self is inexplicably asked if I would want my divorcée mom's diamond ring. Instead of attempting to answer, my body continues eating mashed potatoes.

4:36 PM My mom tells a story involving a couple she knows and specifies their races for no reason whatsoever.

5:04 PM I am given not one, but two unexpected gifts from the aunt who, last time she gave me something, made sure to tell me it was her favorite and that she didn't want to give it away, but insisted on giving it to me because she felt "convicted" -- despite that I didn't want it. I can't wait to burn this candle and fill my home with the smell of guilt for 75 hours.

5:28 PM I head home, where I will peacefully stay, because in addition to telling my family I couldn't stay because I had plans with a friend, I brilliantly also told the friend I couldn't go because I was with family. Christmas rules.

The Housekeeper

I hired my mom as my housekeeper and it seems like a terrible idea. Day one and she's just like I knew she would be: unloading the dishwasher when I specifically told her it wasn't necessary, outside sweeping the whole patio when I only wanted her to vacuum the floors, disinfecting my light switches while there was still toothpaste smeared in the sink.

My mom does not understand anyone else's point of view. Her way is the right way in every situation. And the frustrating thing is her logic does make sense, so you can't even argue with her, but usually her point is just so irrelevant. Yet this is why I hired her.

I always mean to sweep outside but never get around to it. Disinfecting the doorknobs during a pandemic is probably a good idea, but not one I would act upon regularly. And unloading the dishwasher is what my mom did on her break from the harder work. 

There are certain things in life I just don't want to bother with. I don't want a Subway sandwich I designed -- if I knew what I was doing with food, I wouldn't have to pay someone to do it for me; just make me something that tastes good! When I walk into a salon, just make my hair look good, don't make us talk about it first. And I expect my housekeeper to just do what needs to be done.

I finally found a way to tolerate -- nay, celebrate -- my mother's obstinacy. In the end, she got everything done that I asked, plus more. It's kind of sad that I like my mom better as a housekeeper than as a mom. But I'm happy that I finally found a role for her in my life that doesn't drive me insane. I don't know how long this arrangement is going to last -- she already put my measuring cup away in a logical place where I couldn't find it -- but as long as she's here, I told her she could take a real break.