Don't Hate

We all want to do our part to Save the Earth. But it's hard. We have things, and we need things to put our things in. Some things are very small. Small things require small containers. Some small containers are bad for the environment. WHAT TO DO???!? The problem can seem overwhelming. But rest assured you can now buy a tiny box for your tiny things that is biodegradable. I know. This whole time the globe has been warming, the Earth could have been Saved for just $0.79.

Sunglasses are actual size

WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT BUYING THIS! WHY DO YOU HATE THE EARTH

Q & A

As much as I am enjoying my minimum wage job [actually not sarcasm], I should probably try to work more than the 12 hours a week it offers. So now I get to do my favorite job of all [definitely sarcasm]: applying for jobs.

Following is part of a rigorous application I completed today. Note how the instructions are italicized, as if for emphasis. Next, an explicit label, so there is no question what we are dealing with here. In case that's still not clear enough, the letters Q and A show up to squash any stubborn confusion.

Right-o. Trying to trick me, weed out the dummies? Too bad your italics gave it away.

 

Nice try! Although I'm pretty sure Mundane Tasks is not a real category on Jeopardy. (And they did get me to put in writing that I am available for "swing shfits," which could mean anything, really.)

Come Lord Jesus... and bring a frisbee

 

Bear Designer, what were you thinking? When this bear walks on the beach, the words imprinted in the sand are going to be backwards. Idiot.

Fry up some eggs IF YOU DARE

You are shopping for a kitchen utensils-holder when, lo and behold, you see this:

 

Is that... blood? Your eye keeps going...

Oh the relief! No, someone has not designed a container dripping with blood to guard your slotted spoons and your unslotted spoons and that one thing you don't know the function of -- it is rather a can of paint! Of course. To go with your hardhat mixing bowl.

You frown, realizing you don't have a hardhat mixing bowl. You do, however, have a drawer full of sharp knives...

American Apparel

Today a homeless person gave me a T-shirt. It's black with a keyboard on it. You know you've come far in life when the homeless start clothing you. Anyway, I take this gesture as a sign of acceptance. For a few months now I've been trying to befriend the residents of the underbridge on my commute so that when I become homeless, which is only a matter of time, they will welcome me.

Poor

I used to go in the staff entrance, up the stairs, to my desk, to do fundraising as part of my internship. Almost ten years later, I am standing in line behind the locked gate with the immigrants and widows and high school dropouts, feeling like a fraud. I used to work in the food pantry, too, so I know how it works. Now the well-dressed volunteers eye me nervously and tell me how many cans of soup and beans I can take for a one-person household, even though this information is clearly spelled out on large signs. Plus I still remember.

The only free food I got as an intern happened far away from this building, at swanky cafes downtown where we had our planning meetings, when one of my superiors would invariably pay for the bill of the poor college student. I remember thinking how the free food was the most valuable part of the internship. If I only knew...

Now I just wish I had the excuse of being a college student.

Permatemp

There is a woman at my work who wears a Snuggie. A Snuggie! At work! I thought I was hallucinating! I saw her next to the printer out of the corner of my eye one day and thought, I could swear that woman is wearing a Snuggie. I figured it must be a really ugly floor-length coat, and if it was a Snuggie I did not want that knowledge to corrupt my edited version of reality, so I chose not to move my line of vision.

The next day, however, I was in a meeting and reality was unavoidable, zebra-striped and enveloping the woman nonchalantly sipping her coffee! I looked at her, and looked around -- is anyone else seeing this?! Apparently I was the only one cursed with magic Snuggievision, as it seemed to be invisible to everyone else. I have to admit, my initial reaction was jealousy: How is she getting away with this? Then I came to my senses. No one should be wearing a Snuggie in their own home, much less in public, least of all in a professional setting! It wasn't even casual Friday, not that that would excuse it. If you're going to wear a blanket with sleeves to work, why even get dressed at all?! Just come in your pajamas and bring your pillow while you're at it.

I am seriously tempted to file an incident report: Non-compliance... with the dress code. What is wrong with people? Have we no sense of propriety? Can you imagine this being acceptable anywhere but Eugene?

I was soon distracted from this atrocity by the task at hand. We were going around the room and introducing ourselves by name and what we did. Nancy Black, Enrollment Specialist. John Berry, Customer Service. The line was progressing quickly in my direction. This gave alarm, and I tried to think of what to say... Abra Hagans, Perma-temp? Abra Hagans, Data Entry? Abra Hagans, I Print Stuff? Then the lady that sits next to me said Claims, and I realized that was probably mine too. "Claims," I claimed with a straight face. I adjust claims. And I enforce compliance.