Speaking of low expectations...

...at my other job, the temp one, my boss doesn't seem to have any expectations at all. Today she gave me step-by-step instructions to delete something, starting with "click here."

She also informed me that an abstract is "like a little story." Huh. I have a bone to pick with my advisor, then... 

You never told me there was supposed to be a narrative arc and character development! My whole degree is a sham! Maybe if I had included more sneaky plot twists in my abstract, I wouldn't be working this ridiculous temp job!!

Summer Job Annual Review

Today was my annual review at my summer job, which means I guess I should start calling it my job. My boss will be living in another country in a few weeks, so she was all "You have exceeded my expectations in every available column, sign here." I'm a little curious about what her expectations were to begin with. Then I was informed that I will get a raise.

Then I realized that this is my first raise EVER, not counting minimum wage increases. Then I realized that this raise still puts my wage several dollars under what I make at my other jobs.

Then a couple of middle school punks gifted me with some Pocky, which was nice of them because they probably make more money than I do, or at least more than I receive in food stamps. And buying Pocky with food stamps is something I'm saving for right before I off myself that reminds me of college, and thinking of college makes me wish I would have told those nice kids "JUST END IT ALL NOW" "DO NOT MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY."

I keep a raw egg in my purse for just this reason.

Oh sweet, finally someone thought to offer a "tester" frying pan:

Try Me!

Still looking for the tester stove...

I don't think this box has even read the Bible.

Love is a Journey - Jeremiah 29:11

Um, what? Pretty sure that's not what that verse says.

Count Your Blessings - 1 Corinthians 13:13

Nope. Not even close. But this is a great business idea for me...

Bacon is Delicious - Acts 10:13

Shut Up - Job 13:5

Thank God for Extinction

Creature lamps are apparently all the rage right now:

Camel lamp

Mammal lamp

Bird lamp

These are fine I guess, but if I'm going to get in on this trend I'm going to require something more fierce and exotic, like a cheetah, or a shark... or a T-rex.

"Have you seen these teeth? And you want to put me in your sitting room with your pink pillows and scented candles?! Thank God for extinction."

Twice as Soft as Hard as Hoof: They Don't Call it "Miracle" for Nothing

-All right, team, we've got to come up with a name for our company.

-What do we sell again?

-We make mani/pedi products... I feel like your heart is not in this.

-You don't know my heart. How about Nice Nails?

-Who hired you?

-Okay, Cool Claws.

-What, are we marketing to animals now? If we're gonna go that route, why not Pretty Paws? Even better, Paw and Claw. I'm sure women will love that.

-Ha, yeah, just call it Hoof and let's go home!

-Ooh, that'll be great for our nail strengthener: Hard as Hoof! Beat that, Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails!

-I think metal nails are actually harder than hoof. Hence horse shoes. Furthermore, how many robots have you seen wearing shoes made of hoof? Zero.

-...Well. Compared to robot shoes, toiletries seem like a totally normal thing to associate with horse parts. Welcome to Hoof, y'all. Meeting adjourned.

Next meeting...

-Uh, guys? How is "Hard as Hoof" going to fly with our foot softener?

- ...Just go with it.

Intercultural Communication class did not prepare me for this

Laney: We have a triple crown winner! Woohoo! Go American pharroh! I can die happy now! ! !

Me: Huh?? Was this message for someone else?

Laney: Yep you! Yeehaw! Thought u should know. Ive been waiting my whole life for this day!

Me: No idea what you're talking about...

Laney: Horse racing! Lol. Sorry! :-) triple crown are 3 races...big time! Hasn't been a winner in 37 yrs til today!

Me: Oh!! my gosh. I thought you were having psychosis again. Hooray I'm super happy for you!!!

Laney: Lol! Love you! Bahaha! U never know!

Me: First I thought you were watching American Idol and then I thought we had a new President but it seemed like the wrong year for that. Apparently I'M the one with psychosis!