The New Gerbil: An Academic Paper, Obviously

I decided to write an abstract for my blog, since it's never been properly introduced. Remember, an abstract is like a little story...

Once upon a time, college degrees were useful all by themselves. That time passed, but the memo was not. This causes our heroine, Abra Hagans*, to be upset and start a blog with a readership of ≤2. This blog begins with a review of unfavorable life circumstances directly or indirectly caused by the uselessness of a college degree. Suddenly, without warning, the blog disappears for years!! Later, back-dated entries mysteriously compensate for years of missing data. Then, unfathomably, the blog disappears for a second time while rumors circulate about Abra's enrollment in graduate school!! In an unexpected turn of events, the second section of the blog exposes not the seedy underbelly of an actual career, but questionable merchandise sold by a chain retailer. Further research is needed in the areas of homelessness, C-PTSD, and miracles. Sallie Mae is living happily ever after.

*Names have been changed to protect the author's paranoia

Speaking of low expectations...

...at my other job, the temp one, my boss doesn't seem to have any expectations at all. Today she gave me step-by-step instructions to delete something, starting with "click here."

She also informed me that an abstract is "like a little story." Huh. I have a bone to pick with my advisor, then... 

You never told me there was supposed to be a narrative arc and character development! My whole degree is a sham! Maybe if I had included more sneaky plot twists in my abstract, I wouldn't be working this ridiculous temp job!!

Summer Job Annual Review

Today was my annual review at my summer job, which means I guess I should start calling it my job. My boss will be living in another country in a few weeks, so she was all "You have exceeded my expectations in every available column, sign here." I'm a little curious about what her expectations were to begin with. Then I was informed that I will get a raise.

Then I realized that this is my first raise EVER, not counting minimum wage increases. Then I realized that this raise still puts my wage several dollars under what I make at my other jobs.

Then a couple of middle school punks gifted me with some Pocky, which was nice of them because they probably make more money than I do, or at least more than I receive in food stamps. And buying Pocky with food stamps is something I'm saving for right before I off myself that reminds me of college, and thinking of college makes me wish I would have told those nice kids "JUST END IT ALL NOW" "DO NOT MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY."

I keep a raw egg in my purse for just this reason.

Oh sweet, finally someone thought to offer a "tester" frying pan:

Try Me!

Still looking for the tester stove...

I don't think this box has even read the Bible.

Love is a Journey - Jeremiah 29:11

Um, what? Pretty sure that's not what that verse says.

Count Your Blessings - 1 Corinthians 13:13

Nope. Not even close. But this is a great business idea for me...

Bacon is Delicious - Acts 10:13

Shut Up - Job 13:5

Thank God for Extinction

Creature lamps are apparently all the rage right now:

Camel lamp

Mammal lamp

Bird lamp

These are fine I guess, but if I'm going to get in on this trend I'm going to require something more fierce and exotic, like a cheetah, or a shark... or a T-rex.

"Have you seen these teeth? And you want to put me in your sitting room with your pink pillows and scented candles?! Thank God for extinction."

Twice as Soft as Hard as Hoof: They Don't Call it "Miracle" for Nothing

-All right, team, we've got to come up with a name for our company.

-What do we sell again?

-We make mani/pedi products... I feel like your heart is not in this.

-You don't know my heart. How about Nice Nails?

-Who hired you?

-Okay, Cool Claws.

-What, are we marketing to animals now? If we're gonna go that route, why not Pretty Paws? Even better, Paw and Claw. I'm sure women will love that.

-Ha, yeah, just call it Hoof and let's go home!

-Ooh, that'll be great for our nail strengthener: Hard as Hoof! Beat that, Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails!

-I think metal nails are actually harder than hoof. Hence horse shoes. Furthermore, how many robots have you seen wearing shoes made of hoof? Zero.

-...Well. Compared to robot shoes, toiletries seem like a totally normal thing to associate with horse parts. Welcome to Hoof, y'all. Meeting adjourned.

Next meeting...

-Uh, guys? How is "Hard as Hoof" going to fly with our foot softener?

- ...Just go with it.