Thank God for Extinction

Creature lamps are apparently all the rage right now:

Camel lamp

Mammal lamp

Bird lamp

These are fine I guess, but if I'm going to get in on this trend I'm going to require something more fierce and exotic, like a cheetah, or a shark... or a T-rex.

"Have you seen these teeth? And you want to put me in your sitting room with your pink pillows and scented candles?! Thank God for extinction."

Twice as Soft as Hard as Hoof: They Don't Call it "Miracle" for Nothing

-All right, team, we've got to come up with a name for our company.

-What do we sell again?

-We make mani/pedi products... I feel like your heart is not in this.

-You don't know my heart. How about Nice Nails?

-Who hired you?

-Okay, Cool Claws.

-What, are we marketing to animals now? If we're gonna go that route, why not Pretty Paws? Even better, Paw and Claw. I'm sure women will love that.

-Ha, yeah, just call it Hoof and let's go home!

-Ooh, that'll be great for our nail strengthener: Hard as Hoof! Beat that, Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails!

-I think metal nails are actually harder than hoof. Hence horse shoes. Furthermore, how many robots have you seen wearing shoes made of hoof? Zero.

-...Well. Compared to robot shoes, toiletries seem like a totally normal thing to associate with horse parts. Welcome to Hoof, y'all. Meeting adjourned.

Next meeting...

-Uh, guys? How is "Hard as Hoof" going to fly with our foot softener?

- ...Just go with it.

Intercultural Communication class did not prepare me for this

Laney: We have a triple crown winner! Woohoo! Go American pharroh! I can die happy now! ! !

Me: Huh?? Was this message for someone else?

Laney: Yep you! Yeehaw! Thought u should know. Ive been waiting my whole life for this day!

Me: No idea what you're talking about...

Laney: Horse racing! Lol. Sorry! :-) triple crown are 3 races...big time! Hasn't been a winner in 37 yrs til today!

Me: Oh!! my gosh. I thought you were having psychosis again. Hooray I'm super happy for you!!!

Laney: Lol! Love you! Bahaha! U never know!

Me: First I thought you were watching American Idol and then I thought we had a new President but it seemed like the wrong year for that. Apparently I'M the one with psychosis!

I also wanted to do face-painting at inventory, so there's a possibility it's just me



Distorted mirrors. Pretend lights. How does this not scream carnival?!?

Boss: Here, make a display with these dressers.

Me: Just use the dressers? Everything else is up to me?

Boss: Yep.

My brain: What? The store is my playground? Just go wild?

10 minutes later...

Boss: Um...

Me: Too crazy? I was trying to evoke carnival.

Boss: ...It's a little too eclectic. It needs some kind of theme.

Me: The theme is carnival. Was that not clear? There's even a monkey.

Monkey: I don't think she shares your vision.

Me: Which part would you change?

Boss: It's just so random!

Me: Good thing you got here when you did. I hadn't even added the silver antlers yet.

Boss: Oh my... What about using some of these pretty white things?

10 minutes later...

The obviously carnival-themed dressers are now mismatched with gaudy, pearly white, reluctant vases. And silver antlers.

On the other hand, I didn't get fired from making displays, I just got demoted to this tiny square platform to contain a portion of my madness.

The accommodations are much more modest, but the monkey says he is happy here.

Silly rooster, don't you know you're lactose intolerant?

Tea parties too elegant? Here, have a rooster vomit into your tea, and the tea of your guests.

Pinkies up!

Dog. It's What's For Dinner

Bon appétit!

Peace Be with You

"Gabriel, we were sent here to give a message to Buddha, not to become Buddha."

"Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace: Om..."

"Ugh, this is SO. Boring. Can we please go back to paradise now?"

"Peace comes from within, Raphael. Om..."