20170603

Fishing is not my default activity.

Why stop the mundanity now? I have yet to empty myself of grocery shopping rants.

In my avoidance of grocery Monopoly, I made the mistake of shopping the Walmart "neighborhood market." (I like to pretend this is better than the regular Walmart, but if it is, it's only quantitatively because it's smaller.) First a customer asked me if I was buying my "bicycle vegetables," which, now that I think of it, could have been a concerned inquiry as to what I'm feeding my bicycle. But I don't think so; the stress made it sound like bicycle was meant as an adjective. Or perhaps he was creating a compound noun? There's no such thing as bicycle-vegetables, odd stranger. It seemed his entire purpose in uttering incohesive phrases at me was to let me know that he saw me outside, which is just creepy and stalker-ish.

Then the cashier. Rang up my grapes, told me how much they cost and asked if I still wanted them. For a moment I wondered if this was a trick question because they cost the same amount when I actively picked them up and put them in my cart. Nothing has changed! Why would my mind? Apparently Walmart cashiers are not accustomed to people knowing how to use multiplication. Then he inexplicably asked me if I was going fishing, and when I said no, he asked, "Why not?!"

I guess he didn't know my bike is a vegetarian. And a cannibal. I don't know.

20170429

Thanks though... I am out of salt.

So I'm playing Monopoly. Not the real one, but the one from the grocery store where you can win stuff. I never play these dumb things. When the cashiers ask me if I'm playing Monopoly, I say no so they won't give me those useless game pieces. But this one day, the cashier didn't ask me and just handed me a huge stack of them, and I couldn't just throw them away -- what if they contained the winning pieces to the... whatever prize is the biggest?!? So I got a board.

It seems this Monopoly has changed from how I remember it. Didn't they used to give you like three game pieces each shopping trip? Now they gave me a ton of those little paper packets, and each one has four separate pieces inside! Real Monopoly is fun, but this is like a monotonous part-time job! Even if I win the $5 cash prize, I'm pretty sure I'm not even making minimum wage if I take the time to go in and redeem it, after all the time I've spent affixing these damn pieces on.

As if four game pieces weren't enough, each packet is also printed with either an Instant Winner or a code to continue playing online. I decline to continue torturing myself. Are people really doing this? Like the gluing on of the paper pieces whetted their appetite for more ways to waste their time?

It honestly took me three days to get all the pieces I've collected on the board, it's so boring. Finally I got one that said Instant Winner! Salt. Really? I finally win something and it's ordinary table salt? They couldn't make it something that seems more prize-ish, like candy? It's like the Prize Selector stopped valuing his job and just tried to come up with the most mundane prize ever. Actually, it was for iodized salt specifically. Seems extra degrading. Like they figure I must be too pathetic to ensure I'm getting enough iodine in my diet if I'm playing grocery Monopoly on a Friday night. Also, ex-prize selector? This is AKA a coupon.

20170423

I Felt Stabby This Day

I recently discovered a weird craft that I did not know existed called felting. Felting involves taking the hair from an alpaca and forming it into the likeness of another animal, or anything at all, without the alpaca's consent.

Somehow by stabbing a ball of hair with a special needle, the ball gets tighter and tighter until it takes on whatever shape you stabbed it into. It's basically witchcraft. Since my powers aren't magic, they peaked at a sphere...with a face and some balding "pigtails." (So I got tired of stabbing and didn't finish the hair, okay?)

Take this quiz to see if felting is for you:

a) you enjoy creepy, hairy, useless knickknacks

b) creepy knickknacks aren't your thing, but you need something terrifying to appear randomly on your unsuspecting coworker's desk to promote your continued attendance at work

c) you're not into hairy knickknacks, but you love a good stabbing

d) there's an alpaca in your life that deserves some voodoo revenge

If you answered A, B, or C, you should stop taking quizzes about felting.
If you answered D, you should do whatever you want... I'm afraid to piss you off as a human.

"Hi! I'm Sara. I'm looking for my forever body."

20170315

Now if I could just sleep...


I have long hated bedsheets, and I have gone to extreme lengths to avoid them. I'm referring to flat sheets specifically. The fitted sheet is easy enough to put on the bed (although it takes specialized knowledge to fold it correctly), but the top sheet is trying to kill me!

First I go crazy trying to get the thing all smooth and centered, then get a full-body workout trying to tuck it under my heavy mattress properly, but the worst part is actually sleeping under it. The sheet and the blanket have some conspiracy going to destroy what is left of my sanity after attempting to make my bed: The blanket will start inching toward one side while the sheet creeps off the opposite side. Every time. They could at least have the courtesy to fall off the same direction. Well, I've had enough.

I finally made the switch to a duvet, and I was so excited when my duvet cover arrived (from Europe, I presume)... until I tried to put it on. At first it appeared to be just a sheet, which was exactly what I was trying to quit, so I got a little panicky, turning it all around and trying to find a magic opening. Where do you put the duvet in?? Finally I found a small opening and realized the buttons were hidden on the inside. Strike one, duvet cover. (Not because hidden buttons aren't genius, but because you tricked me.) Then I realized my duvet was two inches longer than the cover, yet two inches narrower. So it's going to be like that, huh? Did I just trade one conspiracy for another? Images of lumpy, saggy bedding flashed through my mind. Strike two. I started to suspect that duvets were going to disappoint me just as much as sheets and hammocks and the floor.

In the end, the size difference didn't seem to be problematic, and while making the bed still drove me a bit mad on my first try, the sleeping insomnia experience is so worth it. I can toss and turn until morning light and not have to wonder where my covers went. I think it's going to be okay.

But one more strike and you're out.

20170222

I Should Have Stayed a Temp


Well, apparently I spoke too soon... a day after my last post, my boss announced that I was permanent! Hooray! Meaning that my hours will be cut because now that I'm eligible for benefits, my position is over budget. Wait... is this how promotions work? Unless I have other insurance...? This is definitely not how negotiations work. Oh and it turns out there is a retirement benefit too! Anything else I should know?! And permanent is just nominal anyway because my position will still be eliminated when we restructure. Nice to know I'm finally being valued here.

20170215

Seniority Rules

Tomorrow is my boss's last day which means that I'm going to be the employee who has been with the organization the second-longest. But that won't stop me from being a "temp"! Hilarious.

20170208

Casual Friday Style Tip: Choose One or More |Shoes| |Pants|


I got rather soaked in the rain on my ride to work on Friday, so I asked my coworkers: Must I wear pants? "TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!!" they demanded in unison. I was wearing leggings, after all, and with my long cardigan, that's practically acceptable. We weren't expecting anyone to stop by, and if they do I'll just stay at my desk with my legs hidden underneath. Okay, maybe they weren't leggings so much as long underwear... you know, the pants and matching shirt that look like kid pajamas? And you know I was wearing the matching shirt. With my jeans drying on the coat rack, everything was going comfortably until the pizza guy showed up and I remembered we ordered pizza using my card. I tried to sign the receipt from my desk, but then it was awkward that I was making everyone come to my throne like I'm some kind of monarch, so I stood up reluctantly to hand the receipt to the pizza guy smirking at my long underpants with socks scrunched over that I just realized were no longer hidden by my rain boots thus firmly rendering my entire outfit completely inappropriate loungewear and now I don't like that pizza anymore.