I seem to have skipped 2018 and 2019, but don't worry folks, you can still reminisce on the Top Ten Baby Names for 2017. Plus, this year's is thrice as good.
Since we're all woke AF now, here are some gender-neutral names for your nonbinary-until-declared-otherwise offspring:
10. Don't get cancelled for naming your kid Heather or Darren. Just give in and name them Heathen, meaning "unenlightened, lacking moral principles."
9. Connor is a boy's name and Jennifer is obviously a girl, but you will wokily name your kid Conifer, which has the unoffensively ambiguous meaning of "needle-like."
8. Lucifer is traditionally masculine but it's a mix of feminine names Lucy and Jennifer; I say it's fair game. Lucifer is a versatile name that means "morning star" or "the devil," depending on how many times you have to wake them up to get ready for school.
7. Sven is too masculine, but Seven could be anyone... besides, if your baby daddy insanely wants seven kids, this is a reasonable compromise. When he turned 30, did you put 30 candles on the cake? No, you put a number 30 candle on the cake.
6. Fire is a great name for any gender because when your kid is acting up in public and you yell at them to stop, suddenly no one will be focused on your kids' behavior anymore. Fire means "to dismiss from a job." It's important to set your kid up for career success.
5. Carter is iffy but Alice is completely unacceptable. Better name your kid Callous, "insensitive and cruel."
4. If you are progressive but have a penchant for old-timey names, Coral or Broderick just won't do. Cowlick is a classic, meaning "stubbornly growing in a different direction from the rest." Perfect.
3. Don't think you can get away with Enoch or Fatima just because those names are less familiar. What your child really needs is to be called Enema: "injected into the rectum."
2. Logan and Sloane might be passable gender-neutral names, but just to be safe, go with Slogan and hope that they are as "short and striking" as their name suggests.
1. If, for some reason, you want to ensure that your kid is anatomically ambiguous while also giving political correctness the middle finger, go right past Herman and Aphrodite and straight for Hermaphrodite.
