Open Letter to Whomever Stole My Bike Light

Dearest Thief,

I suppose it was my fault, really; I should have removed the light. It's very easy to remove, which is partly why I chose that one even though it was more expensive. But you know, in the pouring rain, juggling my basket and lock and keys, I guess I was just in a hurry to get inside and forgot. Merely two hours later, you had stolen it from the church parking lot.

I wasn't even very interested in the church event, but I forced myself to be social because I'm trying to make good choices. It was about as I expected: not great. Definitely not worth $30 to replace the light you stole.

It was humiliating enough for my thirty-something self to have to commute by bike in a storm wearing a tattered plastic rain cape that I haven't had the resources to replace yet. Thanks to you, I got to call my mommy to come pick me up instead.

I went to my bike shop to get a replacement light (which is now costing me $60 since the one you stole was brand new), but they won't have it in until next week. I have chronic health problems that make even going to the grocery store difficult for me, especially since I have to do it on my bike in the rain. I don't have energy to go until after it's dark. But you made night riding unsafe for me, so I just don't go. Which means I don't have much to eat all week. Which means I'm too hungry to sleep. Which means I can't function and don't make it to work on time. Which is more money lost. You didn't just take my light that night.

All this to say that I'm the one who feels sorry for you. Because as much as my life sucks, I'm still doing pretty great compared to you.

Love and Poo,


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While I'm at it... Open Addendum to My Coworker Who Complained About How Annoying It Is to Run Errands in the Rain Because It's Difficult to Maneuver an Umbrella While Getting In and Out of the Car:

Maybe don't whine about that to me.


Screw y'all, I'm going to Super Taco's.

People leave the S off my last name ALL THE TIME and I get inordinately offended. I could understand people assuming they heard me wrong if I said my name were Smiths or Johnsons, but my last name is Hagans. Yes, Hagan without the S is a normal name too, but is Hagans really so unbelievable?!

Do they think I'm pluralizing my own name like an imbecile and they're gently correcting me? Or I'm Southern and making every proper noun possessive? "Lord have mercy, they're puttin' in a new T. J. Maxx's!" It doesn't matter how loudly and snakily I slither the S out of my mouth... HagansSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. One time someone even asked me how to spell my name, and after I told her she said, "Oh, Hagann with two Ns? Interesting." People are seriously committed to their stance on this controversial issue. At this point the best solution is probably to just change my name to Hagan.

I admittedly have a double standard, though. Those same people will insist on knowing whether I go by Abra or Abralyn and I don't understand why it's so important to them because I really don't care either way.


Top Ten Baby Names (That Should Be Trending) for 2016

I should seriously be a baby namer. I'm so obsessed. When I was a kid, I would sit in church service not coloring like other kids, but rather making a list of names I considered acceptable. This hobby grew into an entire spreadsheet in adulthood. I've never even been pregnant. One time my USB drive with all my random files got stolen and I felt sorry for that unfortunate, confused thief.

People make up whatever names they want these days. Working various menial jobs has opened my eyes to just how many office workers there are in the world named Sparkle. (Not to be mixed up with Sparkles... I only knew one Sparkles, but nine Sparkles... Damn it, grammar! You know what I mean.)

So forget boring old Noah and Emma. Feel free to mix and match (but mostly mix!) whatever you want. For all your special snowflakes out there waiting to be born, here are my top ten baby names for 2016:

10. Harmony is too hippie and Monica too scandalous? Go name your kid Harmonica like a good hipster. With a name like "mouth organ," this child will be destined for greatness.

9. Want something urban but you already have three nephews named DeMarcus? Try the variation Demarcate, which is just as legit but means "set the limits of." This will be hilarious for you when he's a teenager.

8. Diane and Rhea are lovely names, meaning "divine" and "rivers," respectively. Well nothing says "divine rivers" like Diarrhea (literally: "liquid feces"). BONUS: If you have twins, you can name the other Gonorrhea: "inflammatory discharge."

7. Love the name Sybil, but obligated to keep Phyllis in the family? Compromise with Syphilis. With a sturdy meaning of "chronic disease," Great Aunt Phyllis ("leafy foliage?" come on) will be honored.

6. Carmen isn't quite special enough, but Madigan is trying way too hard? Go with the classic Cardigan, meaning "fastening down the front." Can't go wrong. In fact, I came up with the respectable name Paisley Cardigan ten years ago, and I can't believe Paisley is in the top 100 now! Cardigan is sure to catch on soon.

5. Camille and Marisol are funky vintage names, but make it a bit more delicate with Camisole: "undergarment for upper body." I'm sure it's only a matter of time until this one takes off as well.

4. Rework those old-lady names like Violet and Prudence into something much more timeless: Violence. No one will mess with your daughter when your message to the world about her is "force intending to hurt."

3. Charlotte is way too popular being in the top ten, but shorten it to Harlot and it sounds just as nice. Charlotte subtly means "feminine" while Harlot boldly proclaims "prostitute." It's your choice, but remember... there's a Harlot in every Charlotte. Might as well admit it.

2. Bill is classic, but can we please stop pretending it's short for William? Have some integrity and just call him Billions, meaning "more than you make."

1. Felix is growing in popularity, but to really stand out, your son needs to be known as Elixir, or "magic potion." It will certainly seem magical on the one day of fifth grade that he doesn't get beaten up.

Send me all your children.


My week. Every week.


Executive Director applicant: So where are you in your career?

Me, choking on salad: Ha, my what now? Aren't you the one being interviewed here?

* * * * *


Roommate's mom: Are you a student?

Me: Oh, no.

Roommate's mom: ...Are you new to the area or something?

Me: No...?

[Roommate's mom: Why are you a normal-looking adult renting a tiny room from a family?

Me: I'm just a failure. Thanks for the reminder.]

* * * * *


Men: So what do you do?

Me: [sigh]

Women: Do you have kids?

Me: [sigh]