Thanks though... I am out of salt.

So I'm playing Monopoly. Not the real one, but the one from the grocery store where you can win stuff. I never play these dumb things. When the cashiers ask me if I'm playing Monopoly, I say no so they won't give me those useless game pieces. But this one day, the cashier didn't ask me and just handed me a huge stack of them, and I couldn't just throw them away -- what if they contained the winning pieces to the... whatever prize is the biggest?!? So I got a board.

It seems this Monopoly has changed from how I remember it. Didn't they used to give you like three game pieces each shopping trip? Now they gave me a ton of those little paper packets, and each one has four separate pieces inside! Real Monopoly is fun, but this is like a monotonous part-time job! Even if I win the $5 cash prize, I'm pretty sure I'm not even making minimum wage if I take the time to go in and redeem it, after all the time I've spent affixing these damn pieces on.

As if four game pieces weren't enough, each packet is also printed with either an Instant Winner or a code to continue playing online. I decline to continue torturing myself. Are people really doing this? Like the gluing on of the paper pieces whetted their appetite for more ways to waste their time?

It honestly took me three days to get all the pieces I've collected on the board, it's so boring. Finally I got one that said Instant Winner! Salt. Really? I finally win something and it's ordinary table salt? They couldn't make it something that seems more prize-ish, like candy? It's like the Prize Selector stopped valuing his job and just tried to come up with the most mundane prize ever. Actually, it was for iodized salt specifically. Seems extra degrading. Like they figure I must be too pathetic to ensure I'm getting enough iodine in my diet if I'm playing grocery Monopoly on a Friday night. Also, ex-prize selector? This is AKA a coupon.


I Felt Stabby This Day

I recently discovered a weird craft that I did not know existed called felting. Felting involves taking the hair from an alpaca and forming it into the likeness of another animal, or anything at all, without the alpaca's consent.

Somehow by stabbing a ball of hair with a special needle, the ball gets tighter and tighter until it takes on whatever shape you stabbed it into. It's basically witchcraft. Since my powers aren't magic, they peaked at a sphere...with a face and some balding "pigtails." (So I got tired of stabbing and didn't finish the hair, okay?)

Take this quiz to see if felting is for you:

a) you enjoy creepy, hairy, useless knickknacks

b) creepy knickknacks aren't your thing, but you need something terrifying to appear randomly on your unsuspecting coworker's desk to promote your continued attendance at work

c) you're not into hairy knickknacks, but you love a good stabbing

d) there's an alpaca in your life that deserves some voodoo revenge

If you answered A, B, or C, you should stop taking quizzes about felting.
If you answered D, you should do whatever you want... I'm afraid to piss you off as a human.

"Hi! I'm Sara. I'm looking for my forever body."