There's no such thing as a sexy pineapple.

Merry Christmas!

 Oh, you're not ready for Christmas in August? Happy Thanksgiving!

No? Too soon? Happy Halloween!

Basically you can have your pick of inappropriately early holiday decor. Even the lamps are getting into the spirit of things with their Halloween costume ideas...

Lamps are the only ones who don't use Halloween as an opportunity to dress sexy.

No one knows if Roger is dressed up or not... how embarrassing.


Don't make me eat your shoes.

Hello Kitty: "I don't like this any more than you do"
Look what they're trying to make me wear this time. Do I look like a feline to you? Have you still not learned your animals?? Meanwhile, the ACTUAL KITTY gets to prance around in his birthday suit, winking and taunting, "Well hello yourself, big boy." And then they wonder why I chew up their favorite shoes. Fashion justice must be served.


Go home luggage, you're drunk.

No I will not take you for another spin on the dance floor, Judy. You've had too much to drink and you've been actin' a fool all night long. I can't believe you even left the house wearing head-to-toe paisley in the first place. Frankly, this midlife crisis has gotten out of control.


Bad Life Choice #52: Voluntary Amputation

Sometimes I regret all the bad choices I have made in life, even though I didn't see better alternatives at the time. Then I thought of that guy who cut off his own arm to save his life. Under normal circumstances, spontaneously amputating your own limbs would be classified as a Bad Life Choice. But for this guy, it's probably the best decision he ever made. I bet he never goes around wishing he hadn't cut off his arm.

Then there are those people who want to be amputated for no apparent reason.

I don't know where I'm going with this except that I hope I am more like Aron Ralston and less like sufferers of BIID. Because sometimes cutting off your own arm is the only way to get unstuck. But sometimes it's just going to make it really hard to play the accordion.


One crappy sock per crappy job. How fitting. Or not at all, apparently.

Five months with nary an interview, and now I have four jobs. And was just offered another one out of the blue, which I obviously had to decline for scheduling reasons. I hardly know what to complain about anymore.  Oh wait... no. I'll start with sock liners...

Is there a reason it's so hard to get low-cut sock liners right? We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make socks that don't show?

 By the way, clothes-makers? "Nude" color never looks nude. FYI.

A rare instance when polka dots don't make it better.
...But that doesn't mean you should just throw in the towel and make it patterned!

It's like you're not even trying.
 Why is this so hard?!

Now you're just mocking me.


Doctor's Orders

-Eww, why are we marketing hospital sheets to consumers? Nobody likes hospitals. Nobody wants hospital anything.

-What if we put this guy on the package?

-I will buy those sheets. I will buy anything he prescribes.

-I will buy that zebra Snuggie.

-Yes Doctor, I will increase my Spam intake.

-Give me all of your tiny useless boxes, stat.