The Exact Same Thing

Problem: You're dying for these gorgeous Italian leather sandals, but you don't have 300 euros to spare.

Solution: Splurge on these paper clips imported from Italy instead. It's almost the exact same thing.

No one at the office will be unimpressed by you now. Imagine handing that report in to your boss...

Boss: Say, are these... fancy Italian paper clips?

You: They sure are. I'm a bit of a paper accessories snob, if you really want to know.

Boss: Why, they must be individually hand-painted!

You: ...That's plastic coating... but yeah basically.

Boss: Well, these are clearly superior to ordinary domestic paper clips! I'll have these ordered for the whole office from now on. And you're getting a raise!

Paper clips: And now you can afford those sandals too. Non c’è di che.


It's Never Too Late

Umm... how did your senile grandma's trash-art project make its way to the home goods store? And how is she charging $19.99 apiece for these?! And why have you never asked her to mentor you in business tactics?!?


Paris can wait.

Ten years ago you planned a trip to Europe, but it got postponed indefinitely because you could barely afford the Olive Garden, much less an international vacation. Nine years ago you received an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris, but you exchanged it for somewhere much more exotic because of course you'll make it to Paris eventually. Paris can wait. Seven years ago you intended to make that trip to Europe but it didn't happen because it was a road trip... on North American roads. After that you took an extended sabbatical from pretending you were going to Paris.

One day you will go to Paris. You will review your high school French. You will pose in front of the Eiffel Tower. You will smile at Mona Lisa. One morning, a few weeks after returning home from your trip, something about the air will remind you of Paris, and you will be in the mood to take a stroll outside. "Come on Roscoe, let's go for a walk!" you will propose to your roommate, who will be a canine. At the word "walk," Roscoe will excitedly jump up and run over to the door while you go grab the leash. But as you glance in the mirror on your way out the door, you will realize your mood requires a wide-brimmed hat. Luckily you will own one of those, so you will put it on, but then your whole outfit will be off. "Wait a minute, Roscoe, I have to change," you will say, and you will return in ten minutes looking très chic. Then you will feel bad for plain old Roscoe, so you will find a tiny scarf and wrap it around his collar. You will change Roscoe's name to Pepin. Then you will finally be ready. You will lock the door behind you and make it as far as the front lawn before noticing that your garden desperately needs more roses. And the weather will be just perfect for gardening. But your outfit will not be appropriate for gardening at all. "Lemme just change again real quick..." you will say, turning back toward the front door. Through all this, Pepin will just look at you and smile. Because he will love you. And love is patient. Just like Paris.

And in case you thought Paris + Bible was a one-hit wonder...
...it seems the Eiffel Tower is the Lord's new mascot. Maybe next Christmas or Easter, He will hire me to dress up in an Eiffel Tower costume and dance around in front of the church waving a sign about Jesus. That seems like a good job for me.


Queen Size

This morning I went to work at six to unload the truck, and I thought I stacked the boxes especially neatly. Later, one of these boxes had to prove me wrong and slide itself smack into my forehead as I was naively looking down, attaching giant gaudy beads to an outdoor chandelier. The thing almost knocked me to the ground. After I stopped prematurely grieving my own death and started feeling like I just got in a car accident, I slashed open the kamikaze box to find three sets of soft, pink, grossly overweight queen-size sheets.

I estimate that it took no longer than one second for the box to hit me in the head, the same amount of time it will take the chiropractor to fix my neck, except that I will be paid approximately $0.003 whereas the chiropractor will certainly be making at least an amount that doesn't round down to zero. Although actually, I cannot afford to go to the chiropractor, so I guess I am making more money per second after all. Probably the only sheets threatening his head are the ones on his bed, though. I don't know... I still don't think I get paid enough.


Don't Hate

We all want to do our part to Save the Earth. But it's hard. We have things, and we need things to put our things in. Some things are very small. Small things require small containers. Some small containers are bad for the environment. WHAT TO DO???!? The problem can seem overwhelming. But rest assured you can now buy a tiny box for your tiny things that is biodegradable. I know. This whole time the globe has been warming, the Earth could have been Saved for just $0.79.

Sunglasses are actual size



Q & A

As much as I am enjoying my minimum wage job [actually not sarcasm], I should probably try to work more than the 12 hours a week it offers. So now I get to do my favorite job of all [definitely sarcasm]: applying for jobs.

Following is part of a rigorous application I completed today. Note how the instructions are italicized, as if for emphasis. Next, an explicit label, so there is no question what we are dealing with here. In case that's still not clear enough, the letters Q and A show up to squash any stubborn confusion.

Right-o. Trying to trick me, weed out the dummies? Too bad your italics gave it away.

Nice try! Although I'm pretty sure Mundane Tasks is not a real category on Jeopardy. (And they did get me to put in writing that I am available for "swing shfits," which could mean anything, really.)