Math, people. Math.

I recently attended a women's event with my church, and was told by one lady, "You're so beautiful!" immediately followed by, "How are you still single?" This is like asking, Why doesn't one equal two? I made the one extra big!

(1 + x) = 2

Answer: Because we ran out of numbers, so we had to start using letters. We're supposed to be solving for x here! Why are all the single men in my life still single? Doesn't it make sense that a quality woman might be more likely to be single because the available selection doesn't tempt her?

At these ladies' events, the first two questions that always get asked are, "Are you married?" and "Do you have children?" I'm just going to start countering with, "Are you published? Why not? Do you have any degrees? How many? What are their names?"


How to Get Girls in a Post-Dating Society, Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

Don't Wear the Pants*

First of all, if your name is something boring and respectable, adopt some kooky nickname, like... Mookie. That will be her first whiff of your utter manliness. Once that's settled, do everything you can to make her the man in this situation. Go ahead and ask her out to dinner, but when she accepts, twist it around so that she was somehow the one to ask you out. The key here is mixed messages. Tell her you'll make the arrangements, but by that you mean you'll give her some options. When she expresses confidence in your ability to plan the date, ask what kind of food she likes -- but when she answers you, don't just select a restaurant like some kind of patriarchal dictator! Give her some choices anyway. Whatever you do, don't make a decision. What if something goes wrong? You want to make sure it's her fault. If the whole business of planning the date takes fewer than three days, you're doing it wrong. This is best achieved by conducting the entire conversation through texting. (Bonus points for using ellipses to end every... single... message...)

Afterward, when if she indicates that she is not interested in a second date, deny that the first one was even a date.

Shame Her Into It

The goal here is to show the woman what a problem she is, in order to present yourself as a solution. Just watch how Felix does it. (Pro tip: Pay attention to his exquisite use of filler.)

"Blah blah blah how old are you? Blah blah blah you're single right?" Now step it up a notch: "Blah blah blah I know it's hard, being a single woman in this society..." (Show how understanding you are by offering your sympathy -- nay, empathy -- for how pathetic she is. Trust me, she will be shocked.) "...blah blah especially getting older..." (Never mind that you are just as single, and older than she is, and not a woman at all. Having a vagina is practically a disability -- one that you are totally qualified to represent because blah blah.) "...blah blah social status..." (Remember, "marital status" is synonymous with "social status," so choose the latter for the sake of clarity.) At this point, if she's not falling for you -- she never will.

*Figuratively speaking, I mean. If you're chasing women without wearing pants, this lesson is too advanced for you.


This is a ridiculous and embarrassing problem.

My current roommate is my mom (and for the record, this is not like last time when I moved in to her place; we actually got a place together). When I lived with her before, it was horrible because my mom is a hoarder and all her crap was everywhere. And she would get mad at me for being too loud at night and freak out when I had people over without telling her (even though I did tell her but she forgot... but I digress).

This time, she has to put up with my art and my fruit-bowl-made-of-chopsticks, and maybe she thinks this is payback time because I find myself nagging her to be quiet after 10 p.m., and clean up your mess, and no more friends over until you finish your chores. You keep on like this, Mom, and you'll be grounded till you're sixty-five.


I could use a few of those NOPE cards, though.

I played this game Exploding Kittens over the holidays, and despite its promising exterior ("A Card Game For People Who Are Into Kittens And Explosions And Laser Beams And Sometimes Goats"), I unfortunately cannot recommend.

The whole point of the game is to avoid death by kitten explosion. To do this, one must play nonsensical cards (Don A Portable Cheetah Butt, Take Your Friends Beard-Sailing On Your Beard Boat, etc.) that allow one to draw more cards, reverse cards, shuffle cards, peek at cards, decline further cardplay, or if you're lucky, die.

If I wanted to be assaulted by constant chaos, take a bunch of actions that only keep me going around in circles, and be in survival mode all the while, I could just keep on with my actual life. I don't need a game to rub it in.

Happy new year!