Q & A

As much as I am enjoying my minimum wage job [actually not sarcasm], I should probably try to work more than the 12 hours a week it offers. So now I get to do my favorite job of all [definitely sarcasm]: applying for jobs.

Following is part of a rigorous application I completed today. Note how the instructions are italicized, as if for emphasis. Next, an explicit label, so there is no question what we are dealing with here. In case that's still not clear enough, the letters Q and A show up to squash any stubborn confusion.

Right-o. Trying to trick me, weed out the dummies? Too bad your italics gave it away.

 

Nice try! Although I'm pretty sure Mundane Tasks is not a real category on Jeopardy. (And they did get me to put in writing that I am available for "swing shfits," which could mean anything, really.)

Come Lord Jesus... and bring a frisbee

 

Bear Designer, what were you thinking? When this bear walks on the beach, the words imprinted in the sand are going to be backwards. Idiot.

Fry up some eggs IF YOU DARE

You are shopping for a kitchen utensils-holder when, lo and behold, you see this:

 

Is that... blood? Your eye keeps going...

Oh the relief! No, someone has not designed a container dripping with blood to guard your slotted spoons and your unslotted spoons and that one thing you don't know the function of -- it is rather a can of paint! Of course. To go with your hardhat mixing bowl.

You frown, realizing you don't have a hardhat mixing bowl. You do, however, have a drawer full of sharp knives...

American Apparel

Today a homeless person gave me a T-shirt. It's black with a keyboard on it. You know you've come far in life when the homeless start clothing you. Anyway, I take this gesture as a sign of acceptance. For a few months now I've been trying to befriend the residents of the underbridge on my commute so that when I become homeless, which is only a matter of time, they will welcome me.

Poor

I used to go in the staff entrance, up the stairs, to my desk, to do fundraising as part of my internship. Almost ten years later, I am standing in line behind the locked gate with the immigrants and widows and high school dropouts, feeling like a fraud. I used to work in the food pantry, too, so I know how it works. Now the well-dressed volunteers eye me nervously and tell me how many cans of soup and beans I can take for a one-person household, even though this information is clearly spelled out on large signs. Plus I still remember.

The only free food I got as an intern happened far away from this building, at swanky cafes downtown where we had our planning meetings, when one of my superiors would invariably pay for the bill of the poor college student. I remember thinking how the free food was the most valuable part of the internship. If I only knew...

Now I just wish I had the excuse of being a college student.

Permatemp

There is a woman at my work who wears a Snuggie. A Snuggie! At work! I thought I was hallucinating! I saw her next to the printer out of the corner of my eye one day and thought, I could swear that woman is wearing a Snuggie. I figured it must be a really ugly floor-length coat, and if it was a Snuggie I did not want that knowledge to corrupt my edited version of reality, so I chose not to move my line of vision.

The next day, however, I was in a meeting and reality was unavoidable, zebra-striped and enveloping the woman nonchalantly sipping her coffee! I looked at her, and looked around -- is anyone else seeing this?! Apparently I was the only one cursed with magic Snuggievision, as it seemed to be invisible to everyone else. I have to admit, my initial reaction was jealousy: How is she getting away with this? Then I came to my senses. No one should be wearing a Snuggie in their own home, much less in public, least of all in a professional setting! It wasn't even casual Friday, not that that would excuse it. If you're going to wear a blanket with sleeves to work, why even get dressed at all?! Just come in your pajamas and bring your pillow while you're at it.

I am seriously tempted to file an incident report: Non-compliance... with the dress code. What is wrong with people? Have we no sense of propriety? Can you imagine this being acceptable anywhere but Eugene?

I was soon distracted from this atrocity by the task at hand. We were going around the room and introducing ourselves by name and what we did. Nancy Black, Enrollment Specialist. John Berry, Customer Service. The line was progressing quickly in my direction. This gave alarm, and I tried to think of what to say... Abra Hagans, Perma-temp? Abra Hagans, Data Entry? Abra Hagans, I Print Stuff? Then the lady that sits next to me said Claims, and I realized that was probably mine too. "Claims," I claimed with a straight face. I adjust claims. And I enforce compliance.

How to Get Girls in a Post-Dating Society

Datenap Her

Jeremy knew that his new friend didn't want to date him -- she had told him so in so many words -- but women can't be trusted. She liked him; she just didn't know it yet.

So Jeremy invited her to come sailing with him and his friend Joe. They had a great time, nearly capsizing in a sudden storm. They managed not to end up in the lake, but were soaked from the rain. So the three headed back to Jeremy's to change into dry clothes, eat soup, and play Guitar Hero. After that, the three decided to go see a movie, but Joe ended up not coming. The movie turned out to be terrible and Jeremy and the woman left after a few minutes. While they sat in the car trying to figure out what to do instead, Jeremy revealed his secret plan: "I sort of meant for this to be a date." (Now is the time to be forthright. Women love surprises.) The woman was incredulous at his genius planning, protesting, "Why?! I specifically told you I just wanted to be friends!" Mumble something that makes her bust up laughing. It's important to be able to make a woman laugh.

Getting Her Number

It's no longer acceptable to ask a woman for her number. If you do this, she will think you're a creep. It's much less creepy to sneak her number. Take it from Joe. After chatting up his crush about their shared community and interests, he casually wonders aloud, "Are you in my phone?" This provides a perfect opportunity to pull out his phone and "check." Now all he has to do is ask, but now she can't refuse because that will make her the bad guy -- like his phone has this simple problem of her number not being in it, and she has the information needed to rectify the situation -- who would refuse to help? Especially after he gave her that chocolate he just happened to have.

Subliminal Messages

Or, instead of getting her number, a better option is to just give her yours and say, "Let me know if you ever want to hang out." Every time you run into her, remind her to let you know if she ever wants to "hang out." Don't flirt at all, keep it friendly. This way, you don't creep her out by letting your intentions be known. Again, no risk of rejection. If, after weeks of your hinting, she doesn't take initiative, you can take that role -- but make sure she doesn't think it's a date. By all means, try to use the phrase "get our grub on" when asking her out to dinner.

Just Do It

Communicating verbally is overrated. In our modern society, we don't have time for that. If you like a woman, just start holding her hand, putting your arm around her, etc., as if you were already a couple. This has the added benefit of marking your territory to other men. Don't bother trying to get to know her yet. This will throw her off because on one hand it will seem like you're not interested, but on the other hand is her hair (because it's your hand and you're inexplicably touching her back again). Women love a man of mystery.