Taco Bell Every Day

The problem with going to Taco Bell every day in high school and (I'll round down to) zero days after that is that the prices have doubled. I mistakenly assumed a $5 bill would easily cover my order. Once you've paid 59 cents for a taco, anything over a dollar just seems exorbitant.

I won't even set foot in a movie theater anymore. It's been too long and now I'm afraid to go back.

The Voodoo Queen

I was walking down the street singing to myself, "Baby be the class clown, I'll be the voodoo queen..." Voodoo queen? That's not right. Voodoo thing... voodoo cream.....

I had to go all the way home and look it up to realize the voodoo was only in my head, and the queen part was right all along.

Dear The Gym,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter. Since I run into you several times a week and you barely say hi, I thought maybe you didn't care, but now I am assured that you do care. You care a lot.

First of all, you're welcome for being a member of your fitness community. I just have a question. Your letter asserts that it is with "greatest appreciation" that you are offering me a renewal special: $24.95 a month and No Processing Fee. However, this is the exact same special being offered to new members who have not accumulated any gratitude at all. Therefore, I believe there must be some mistake. This is clearly your absolute least appreciation. Please resend the correct letter at your earliest convenience and we'll pretend this never happened.

Sincerely,

Valued Member

I have the answer and it's being muddled into deliciousness.

Together at last

I don't understand why not one person has responded to my latest craigslist ad! 
I have had much greater success bartering in the past. Let's go back...

5:02 p.m.
Q: What were you doing in a transaction involving a particular kind of plant with a shady guy in a parking lot?
A: ...Yes well, um...

3:31 p.m.
Q: Hey, don't you want your plant?
A: Oh yes! How could I forget my mint at the office...

1:43 p.m.
Q: Did you get your mint?
A: No, he said half an hour almost an hour ago. [shrugs]

12:48 p.m.
Q: Do you think he's going to show up?
A: Of course not. It's craigslist.

11:24 a.m.
Q: Do you have any spare change?
A: No, all I have is this sage plant. But it's got places to go, sorry.

10:55 a.m.
Q: What's that you're bringing on the bus?
A: A potted plant. Duh.

Yesterday
Q: Did you get any responses to your silly ad?
A:

Exactly four more than I expected.

ask and you shall receive

Standards

The problem with being single for a decade (and counting) longer than planned is that your standards are forced to go down right when they should really be going up. You're finally smart enough to know exactly how you deserve to be treated and filter out all the unworthy types of guys you would have dated when you were younger... except now the filtering has been done for you and then some.

If I wanted to marry riffraff, I could have done that right away. I didn't wait this long just for someone's leftovers and their three bratty kids.

New strategy: The most expensive face cream I can afford and a newfound interest in hanging out on college campuses. Legal is legal.

Top Ten Baby Names (That Should Be Trending) for 2017

It's time for my Top Ten Baby Names for 2017! (But first, review the Top Ten Baby Names for 2016.) You can name your kids Sophia and Jackson like everyone else. Or you can give them a respectable name. It's up to you, but whatever you do, don't worry: It's just your children's entire future at stake.

10. Terrence and Trevor are wussy names. Just be honest and call your son Terror.

9. You're not really going to name your daughter Clementine, are you? And it's a little late to hop on the Lydia trend. You know what will help this situation? Chlamydia.

8, 7, 6. So you're having triplets? Congratulations! But that's triple the names to fight about. Your spouse probably wants them to be match-matchy like Jenny, Jamie, and Julie. Gross. Meanwhile you're suggesting more reasonable possibilities: Amanda, Madeline, Clara... Annette, Violet, Lynn... Here's a compromise: Mandolynn, Clarinette, and Violynn. Plus, you already have a family band in the making. Win-win-win.

5. It's tempting to follow the trends that are reaching back farther and farther to pull out grandmotherly gems like Eileen and Scarlett. But if you're going for something that antique, might as well name her Eyelett after that horrible lace from the same century as those oldy names. In fact, while you're at it, look in the attic for the bassinet passed down from your grandmother Eileen... it probably has some eyelet bedding with it. Now get rid of that and get a proper crib.

4. Sage has been moderately popular for awhile, and you'll even meet some Basils -- but why do we have to take our hippie inclinations so literally? What's wrong with something normal, like Megan? Or if you must incorporate a spice, at least go with Nutmegan. Lots of nickname options there.

3. But if you insist on naming your child after an herb, at least let me help you justify it: Preempt Camille's potential stuttering problem and just call her Chamomile to begin with. People might mutter "child abuse" under their breath when they hear that your plan to name your child after a disgusting tea, but these are the same people who named their kid Aiden/Caden/Jayden back in 2010. Ignore them.

2. Ariel and Aurelia are unique enough for some, but to really ensure she's the only kid in her class with her name, call her Areola. You might have a hard time finding a keychain with her name on it at touristy gift shops, but I guarantee she will not have to go by first name + last initial.

1. Calista and Charity are okay I guess, but I don't understand why Calamity hasn't made a comeback yet. It doesn't have to be Calamity Jane, if that's too boring. Just play around with it: Calamity Susan... Calamity Jezebel... hell, you could even go with Calamity Sophia.

I said CANCER

Maybe those mail-senders know me better than I know myself, because I just found out that I have early-onset osteoarthritis. Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Gray hair and regular colonoscopies starting at twenty-three... arthritis and orthotics at thirty-three... It's like my very body is giving up on me. Like it just skipped my child-bearing years and went straight to old age.

God I love being alive. It's the best.