At least he used the magic word... mom taught him well.

I'm not sure why this is happening, but it seems that the older I get, the younger the men I attract. This was a record, though. After church service, this scrawny kid walked up to me and wordlessly handed me a note. I took it and read: My name is Carter. My number is ###-###-####. Really? Cute! I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't have any paper, so I just used the speaking-words. I believe "um... I'm old" are the specific words that came out of my mouth. I asked him if he was in college and he said no, but he's twenty-one. Twenty-one! He handed me another note: Can I please have your number? Sparing him the horror of my age number, I nonetheless insisted that my phone number was not a thing he wanted, and he left.

Awkward enough... then his mom showed up and wanted the scoop! She assured me that he was a sweet boy but was going down a wayward path, so when he calls me I should just try to get him back on track. I explained that her son was ten years my junior but didn't have the heart to tell her that I wouldn't be exhorting him because I didn't actually give him my number.

People, I have visible gray hair. I don't know if I need to dress differently or what.

I failed my gyno exam

...not in the sense that I was diagnosed with an STD. More like the opposite. Read on for too much information...

I am a thirty-one-year-old virgin (by choice, obviously.) Because I haven't had a physical in years, and I haven't had sex in, um, ever, this was my first Pap smear. (I figured this is the only action I'm going to get for awhile so I might as well take advantage. Just kidding.) It's always funny how the doctors don't readily believe me. No, I'm not; no, I never have been; no, not even oral.

First she wanted my tongue and then she felt me up, I guess wanting to run the bases in proper order. She told me it wouldn't hurt, so I wasn't expecting it to be so painful. She had to try the smaller size speculum. (I wear a size two so I don't understand why she didn't choose the smaller one in the first place... who are they for, middle schoolers?!)

Afterward she just left me lying there naked, but came back to discuss the future of our relationship. She advised me to start using something called a dilator in order to prevent pain next time. She informed me that such a dilator can only be purchased at an adult shop. I can just see myself now... Doctor's orders, I swear!

T-Rexes are nowhere mentioned in the dress code.

I went shopping for "work clothes," and all I came home with was three bracelets and these:

If I wear them to work, that counts, right?

I was in denial until I started suffering withdrawals at work.

Mom: Here, have my month's supply of Ambien! According to my doctor, it's totally not addictive at all!
Me: OMG THIS STUFF IS AMAZING. I AM TAKING AMBIEN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Me: Brother try this Ambien, it's like magic. We're giving it out like candy over here! I am totally addicted. Ha ha, just kidding, because it's not addictive.
Brother: Indeed it works. Do you have more of that?
Me, protecting my last pill: MY PRECIOUS!!

Me: Doctor please give to me the Ambien... I uh... I hear it's good stuff.
Doctor: Well you know Ambien is addictive.
Me: ...Is it?

Me: Ambien is addictive!
Mom: Well, my Doctor didn't say it wasn't non-addictive...
Me: Get your devil pills away from me!

Me: Ugh, all day I have been so dizzy and nauseous and I don't know why. It's really unusual.
Coworker: Maybe you should eat something [and keep your rehab at rehab].

Just because I tolerate you doesn't mean you can come over whenever you want.

I'm not afraid of spiders, but I don't appreciate coming home to some creep waiting for me in my bedroom, uninvited and butt naked...

Rude!

There's no such thing as a sexy pineapple.

Merry Christmas!

 Oh, you're not ready for Christmas in August? Happy Thanksgiving!

No? Too soon? Happy Halloween!

Basically you can have your pick of inappropriately early holiday decor. Even the lamps are getting into the spirit of things with their Halloween costume ideas...

Lamps are the only ones who don't use Halloween as an opportunity to dress sexy.

No one knows if Roger is dressed up or not... how embarrassing.

Don't make me eat your shoes.

Hello Kitty: "I don't like this any more than you do"

Look what they're trying to make me wear this time. Do I look like a feline to you? Have you still not learned your animals?? Meanwhile, the ACTUAL KITTY gets to prance around in his birthday suit, winking and taunting, "Well hello yourself, big boy." And then they wonder why I chew up their favorite shoes. Fashion justice must be served.