T-Rexes are nowhere mentioned in the dress code.

I went shopping for "work clothes," and all I came home with was three bracelets and these:

If I wear them to work, that counts, right?

I was in denial until I started suffering withdrawals at work.

Mom: Here, have my month's supply of Ambien! According to my doctor, it's totally not addictive at all!
Me: OMG THIS STUFF IS AMAZING. I AM TAKING AMBIEN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Me: Brother try this Ambien, it's like magic. We're giving it out like candy over here! I am totally addicted. Ha ha, just kidding, because it's not addictive.
Brother: Indeed it works. Do you have more of that?
Me, protecting my last pill: MY PRECIOUS!!

Me: Doctor please give to me the Ambien... I uh... I hear it's good stuff.
Doctor: Well you know Ambien is addictive.
Me: ...Is it?

Me: Ambien is addictive!
Mom: Well, my Doctor didn't say it wasn't non-addictive...
Me: Get your devil pills away from me!

Me: Ugh, all day I have been so dizzy and nauseous and I don't know why. It's really unusual.
Coworker: Maybe you should eat something [and keep your rehab at rehab].

Just because I tolerate you doesn't mean you can come over whenever you want.

I'm not afraid of spiders, but I don't appreciate coming home to some creep waiting for me in my bedroom, uninvited and butt naked...

Rude!

There's no such thing as a sexy pineapple.

Merry Christmas!

 Oh, you're not ready for Christmas in August? Happy Thanksgiving!

No? Too soon? Happy Halloween!

Basically you can have your pick of inappropriately early holiday decor. Even the lamps are getting into the spirit of things with their Halloween costume ideas...

Lamps are the only ones who don't use Halloween as an opportunity to dress sexy.

No one knows if Roger is dressed up or not... how embarrassing.

Don't make me eat your shoes.

Hello Kitty: "I don't like this any more than you do"

Look what they're trying to make me wear this time. Do I look like a feline to you? Have you still not learned your animals?? Meanwhile, the ACTUAL KITTY gets to prance around in his birthday suit, winking and taunting, "Well hello yourself, big boy." And then they wonder why I chew up their favorite shoes. Fashion justice must be served.

Go home luggage, you're drunk.

"TAKE ME FOR A SPIN"

No I will not take you for another spin on the dance floor, Judy. You've had too much to drink and you've been actin' a fool all night long. I can't believe you even left the house wearing head-to-toe paisley in the first place. Frankly, this midlife crisis has gotten out of control.

Bad Life Choice #52: Voluntary Amputation

Sometimes I regret all the bad choices I have made in life, even though I didn't see better alternatives at the time. Then I thought of that guy who cut off his own arm to save his life. Under normal circumstances, spontaneously amputating your own limbs would be classified as a Bad Life Choice. But for this guy, it's probably the best decision he ever made. I bet he never goes around wishing he hadn't cut off his arm.

Then there are those people who want to be amputated for no apparent reason.

I don't know where I'm going with this except that I hope I am more like Aron Ralston and less like sufferers of BIID. Because sometimes cutting off your own arm is the only way to get unstuck. But sometimes it's just going to make it really hard to play the accordion.