Baby Namer

As I bend tubes, tighten screws, and glue cables for 10 hours one day, I frantically brainstorm vocational possibilities that do not involve bending tubes, tightening screws, or gluing cables. Or 10-hour shifts. Or a pervasive cloud of despair, but I digress.

After a quick elimination of every career in existence, it becomes obvious that I need to start my own business. But what to sell? A product or a service? I know, I could... no, that won't work. Hey, I could sell... no, that's been done. What I need is a specialty, a niche... what's something that only I can do, that matches my skills and passions? This line of thinking amuses me for a good portion of overtime and brings about some interesting, albeit unfeasible, results. I visualize myself serving vegan cupcakes to immigrants enrolled in my backyard English school staffed by homeless people, while ballroom dancing in a homemade pirate costume... I mean, if my backyard were bigger than my bathroom, then maybe...

While I review my interests, my long-time obsession with names stands out to me as worth exploring. I remember owning a stuffed animal named something like Sparky Bainbridge Fred Henry Poindexter. And that was just his nickname. Maybe I could do name research, like study meanings and origins and all that. But why would anyone pay me for that? Because they're going to have a baby, of course! That's it -- I'll be a Professional Baby Namer!! By golly, I do believe I have just found my calling. I'm already writing the ad copy in my head...

Are you pregnant? Too stressed and busy to even think about baby names? Tired of the unsolicited advice from in-laws? Can't agree with your spouse? Leave it to the professionals. For just $50, we'll name your baby and for a limited time only, middle names are half off with purchase!* Our services are also available for:

- Pet Names
- English names for Foreigners**
- Witness Protection Program Participants

*Ask about our special rates for twins.
** Based on your professional goals and/or current hairstyle

Yes, this idea is almost too ridiculous to work, yet not entirely impossible! Just look at Wedding Planners -- now there's a silly profession. And baby naming is the exact same idea: something you could do yourself if you weren't so overwhelmed with all the possibilities. So there's got to be a market for that.

This is the moment when my new occupation swings right over the top of the swingset, as I like to say. I suddenly realize that Professional Baby Namers already exist. They must. When have I ever had a genius idea that someone else didn't think of first? As soon as 3:30 hits, freeing me from Japanese chemicals and the American work force, I'm off to research my suspicions and am proven correct. "Baby Naming Consultant," it's called. Now I'm right back where I started, which is... not far enough from a certain factory.

I mentally thank my college degree for nothing.