I should seriously be a baby namer. I'm so obsessed. When I was a kid, I would sit in church service not coloring like other kids, but rather making a list of names I considered acceptable. This hobby grew into an entire spreadsheet in adulthood. I've never even been pregnant. One time my USB drive with all my random files got stolen and I felt sorry for that unfortunate, confused thief.
People make up whatever names they want these days. Working various menial jobs has opened my eyes to just how many office workers there are in the world named Sparkle. (Not to be mixed up with Sparkles... I only knew one Sparkles, but nine Sparkles... Damn it, grammar! You know what I mean.)
So forget boring old Noah and Emma. Feel free to mix and match (but mostly mix!) whatever you want. For all your special snowflakes out there waiting to be born, here are my top ten baby names for 2016:
10. Harmony is too hippie and Monica too scandalous? Go name your kid Harmonica like a good hipster. With a name like "mouth organ," this child will be destined for greatness.
9. Want something urban but you already have three nephews named DeMarcus? Try the variation Demarcate, which is just as legit but means "set the limits of." This will be hilarious for you when he's a teenager.
8. Diane and Rhea are lovely names, meaning "divine" and "rivers," respectively. Well nothing says "divine rivers" like Diarrhea (literally: "liquid feces"). BONUS: If you have twins, you can name the other Gonorrhea: "inflammatory discharge."
7. Love the name Sybil, but obligated to keep Phyllis in the family? Compromise with Syphilis. With a sturdy meaning of "chronic disease," Great Aunt Phyllis ("leafy foliage?" come on) will be honored.
6. Carmen isn't quite special enough, but Madigan is trying way too hard? Go with the classic Cardigan, meaning "fastening down the front." Can't go wrong. In fact, I came up with the respectable name Paisley Cardigan ten years ago, and I can't believe Paisley is in the top 100 now! Cardigan is sure to catch on soon.
5. Camille and Marisol are funky vintage names, but make it a bit more delicate with Camisole: "undergarment for upper body." I'm sure it's only a matter of time until this one takes off as well.
4. Rework those old-lady names like Violet and Prudence into something much more timeless: Violence. No one will mess with your daughter when your message to the world about her is "force intending to hurt."
3. Charlotte is way too popular being in the top ten, but shorten it to Harlot and it sounds just as nice. Charlotte subtly means "feminine" while Harlot boldly proclaims "prostitute." It's your choice, but remember... there's a Harlot in every Charlotte. Might as well admit it.
2. Bill is classic, but can we please stop pretending it's short for William? Have some integrity and just call him Billions, meaning "more than you make."
1. Felix is growing in popularity, but to really stand out, your son needs to be known as Elixir, or "magic potion." It will certainly seem magical on the one day of fifth grade that he doesn't get beaten up.
Send me all your children.